04 Christian
by desktop dragon
Summary: A kind of prequel to the Fifty shades books following Christian from childhood with Grace and Carrick through his teenage years to the point he met Ana, not a story as such, more a view of his life through different people.
1. Chapter 1

AUTHORS MESSAGE

This is a story I have previously posted and then deleted as due to some personal issues I wasn't sure I would be able to focus any time on it. However those issues have been resolved much quicker than I anticipated and so i am ready to repost it and update it.

I would like to thank you all for your patience and understanding, with my actions, I like to update fairly quickly and I didn't want a story being left and hanging there if I was unable to give it any attention. It was new enough at the time to just delete it, being only a few chapters long. 


	2. Chapter 2

**After the fantastic feedback I received from my initial offerings: "Fifty Shades -The Lost Baby", "Fifty Shades - Growing Pains" and "Fifty Shades - Older & Wiser". I have decided to have a go at a prequel. Looking at Christian's life before Ana, and how he got to the point where he was in life.**

**I am starting my story at the point where the Grey's have moved from Detroit to Seattle, and Mia's arrival in the household.**

CHAPTER ONE

"Hi everyone, We're back, Elliot, Christian, come and meet Mia" I walk in to the lounge I see Elliot looking towards me and the bundle in my arms, my mother is sitting watching his reaction carefully. Christian is sitting apart as usual at the piano, I heard him playing when i came in he plays beautifully making up his own little tunes I have promised him he will be able to learn properly when he gets a little older. I look at my two sons and wait for their reaction to Mia.

Carrick is next to me, also watching and waiting nervously, I glance at him. Elliot wanders over and looks at the six month old baby, he doesn't seem that enthusiastic and soon walks away. Christian approaches, he looks afraid.

"Christian, this is Mia" I say gently looking at him and smiling.

He walks closer and I see him looking at the wriggling baby sitting in my arms, he looks down at her and she gazes back at him gurgling and she smiles at him.

"Oh Mia likes you she's smiling at you" I say.

Christian gingerly puts his hand out to the baby, and touches her fingers, she responds by grasping his finger tightly and pulling it toward her mouth. I hold my breath and wonder what will happen next, to our surprise a huge smiles comes across Christians face, and he gazes at Mia lovingly.

"Would you like to hold her Christian?" I ask, taking advantage of the positive reaction.

Christian looks at Carrick and back at me, then to baby Mia, he slowly nods his head, Carrick pats the sofa and urges him to sit down next to us, Christian climbs up and holds out his arms. I swallow deeply and Carrick gets ready to move in case the feel of Mia against him is too much. I stand and place the baby into his waiting arms, I see him freeze slightly as her body touches his, but he doesn't panic, instead he looks down on her and wraps his arm protectively around her, pulling her closer.

Elliot wanders over and looks again, but doesn't offer to say or do anything. Mia starts to cry, Christian looks at me a terrified look on his face, I smile at him.

"Its ok darling, she's just hungry, I am going to feed her, would you like to help me?"

He nods enthusiastically, I take Mia from his arms and walk into the kitchen Christian immediately jumps down and follows.

"Would you like to come as well Elliot?" I ask

He shakes his head and carries on playing with his toys.

He watches me with interest as I prepare the bottle and start feeding her, I make up a small bowl of puréed food for her and he watches me spooning the food into her mouth, she looks like a baby bird with her mouth open as I spoon in the food, it dribbles down her chin and Christian immediately grabs a towel and gently wipes it away.

"Thank you Christian that was very helpful" I say smiling at him.

Later on Christian watches as I bath Mia he hasn't left her side since she arrived, when she was playing on the rug, he lay down with her and played with her dangling toys for her to grab at, he is so gentle with her. It has shocked me to see how much he adores her and how quickly. He watches me take her to her room and place her in her crib; he pulls a small stool over and positions himself next to the crib.

"Come along Christian, let Mia get to sleep" I say gently.

He looks at her and reluctantly leaves the room with me.

"Are you going to have a bath and get ready for bed Christian?" I ask

He nods and I run him a bath, he climbs in and washes himself, he is so self sufficient, it tears me apart not be able to do the things as his mother I should be doing for him, bathing him, drying him, holding and cuddling him. But I take one look at the small scars on his chest and back and I respect his boundaries. He allows me to wash his face and I cherish that small contact I have with him. He always washes and dries his own hair, taking the towel from my hands and rubbing his head vigorously. Soon he is done, he brushes his teeth and gets into his pyjamas and climbs into bed. Carrick comes in with a book to read to him, until he drifts off to sleep.

It's 4:30am and I am awakened by someone shaking me earnestly. I am surprised by the time as I am normally awakened before now with one of Christian's nightly terrors. I frown as I look and see Christian looking agitated, and pointing.

"What's wrong darling?" I ask

"Mia" he says.

I nearly expire, I shake Carrick "Wake up Carrick, Wake up, Christian spoke" I am so excited

Carrick opens his eyes and looks at me "What did you just say, are you dreaming woman?" he asks

"Mia" Christian says again more urgently

Carrick's mouth drops open, he climbs out of bed, and holds his hand out to Christian "Show me what's wrong son" he says gently.

I follow and watch Christian lead Carrick into Mia's room, and points at the wriggling whimpering child.

She has lost her pacifier, I am not a fan of them but she has grown accustomed to one whilst in the foster home and so its one of those tings I am having to adjust to. Christian tries to grab it but it is out of his reach and he points getting more and more agitated.

Carrick leans over and gently places the pacifier into Mia's mouth, straight away she settles and drifts back off to sleep.

"Well done Christian" Carrick says and ruffles his sons hair.

Christian beams at him and looks down at the sleeping baby before reluctantly heading back to bed.

The next morning I go to wake Christian and find his bed empty, I go into Mia's room and find him curled up in a ball on the floor next to her crib, with his pillow and duvet and his security blanket. It occurs to me, he hadn't had a nightmare last night at all, every night at some point he has a terrible dream about his time before he came to us, but last night he slept soundly for the first time since he came to us.

Carrick joins me and looks over my shoulder into the room and smiles.

"Christian didn't have a nightmare last night" I whisper

"Really?" Carrick replies his eyebrows raised, just as he says this Christian rouses and immediately turns towards Mia and looks at her.

"Mia" he whispers he turns and sees us looking at him and smiles, he points to Mia, "Mia" he says again.

I crouch down beside him, "Yes darling, Mia is your sister" I whisper

He looks at me, "Sister" he replies.

I swallow and tears stream down my face, I want to hold him and hug him tightly to me, but its impossible. I ruffle his hair and plant a small kiss on his forehead. He smiles widely again.

"Mia, my sister" he says proudly.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 2

The next few weeks are interesting to say the least, Mia is adorable, Christian is astounding and Elliot well I'm not sure, I know he is pleased about his little sister, but he has already had to contend with Christian's arrival and now another new person has arrived in our family. Christian's speech has come on in leaps and bounds since Mia's arrival, he is obviously very intelligent and his words have all been there just unable to come out, Mia has unlocked something and at last the words are starting to flow.

I am a little concerned about Christian's protective attitude towards Mia, he is getting a little obsessive about her. We have turned a blind eye to the fact he sleeps in her room on the floor each night rather than his own bed, as that has mutual benefit, Mia genuinely seems to like him there and his night terrors have all but vanished since he started this routine. We have put a small sofa in her room, so he has somewhere more comfortable to sleep but he prefers to be right next to her crib instead.

I am drawn from my thoughts by a scream, Elliot, what on earth has happened, I run upstairs and see Elliot crouched in a ball protecting himself as Christian stands over him punching him wildly.

"CHRISTIAN TREVELLYAN GREY STOP THAT THIS MINUTE" It is the first time I have shouted so loudly at Christian and he immediately freezes his fist in mid air. I walk towards him my hands on my hips "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" I shout.

He turns, a terrified look on his face, but an oddly defiant look in his grey eyes, "He woke Mia up she was sleeping and he woke her" he says.

In a calmer tone I say "That doesn't give you the right to hit him Christian, nothing gives you that right, do you understand me?"

He nods slowly but doesn't say a word, oh god he hasn't reverted back to his mute state has he? I look at him, "Talk to me Christian" I say quietly, "and you need to apologise to Elliot for hitting him" I hold my breath as he turns to Elliot.

"I'm sorry Lelliot" he says quietly, Elliot nods still crouched in the corner trembling.

I walk towards Elliot and crouch down beside him and hold him tightly and cuddle him, I lift him gently to his feet.

"I didn't mean to wake Mia" he says, between sobs" I was playing with my truck and it went into her room by mistake and I fetched it and she woke up and Christian got mad at me, he pulled me out and started hitting me"

I walk to Christian, and crouch down in front of him and hold my hands out to him, he hesitates and then puts his small hands in mine, "Christian, what would you do if Elliot had done that to you, you wouldn't like it would you?"

He looks at me and doesn't answer, "answer me Christian" I say a little more forcefully.

"No" he says quietly, he glances across at Elliot "I'm really sorry Lelliot" he says, he walks towards Elliot and holds out his hand and touches Elliot arm, Elliot flinches and the look of horror and then shame in Christians eyes is heartbreaking. He turns and runs into his bedroom, I follow in time to see him disappearing under his bed with his security blanket.

I crouch down and see him under the bed, the look in his eyes is frightening me, the self loathing is evident. I am wondering how I am going to get him out when Mia does the job for me, we hear whimpering from the next room and immediately Christian slides out from under the bed and runs towards the noise. I follow and see him beside Mia's crib his small hand through the bars caressing Mia's hand gently.

The next day is a huge day for Christian, it is his first day at kindergarten, we have had extensive meetings with the school to ensure they are fully briefed on Christian's issues, we have been home schooling Christian since his arrival, he has been responding well despite his lack of communication and is obviously highly intelligent. The tutor who has been coming to our home to teach him has created a bond with him, and it will be her class which he enters when he starts.

Elliot is concerned that Christian will be bullied, my worry is Christian will be the bully, he is quick to try and resolve things with his fists and he is very volatile. We can't blame him before he came to us the only thing he knew was violence and pain. We drive to school in silence and Christian looks nervous. Elliot is sitting beside him, telling him all about school etiquette,

"Don't worry Christian I'll take care of you" Elliot says kindly.

Christian looks up into Elliot's face and smiles "Thanks" he mutters.

As we enter the classroom, Christian pushes his small hand into mine and he looks nervous. He is introduced to the class by the teacher and encouraged to sit down. I smile at Christian and as I leave his eyes follow me out of the room.

I go home and throw myself into the household chores it to distract my worried mind. By the end of the day I am relieved to note that I haven't had any calls from the school. I tell myself no news is good news. Carrick is picking the boys up from school and has promised me he will call as soon as he has them. Just as I am thinking this, a call gets my attention.

I rush over and grasp it "Cary?" I say into the receiver.

"Hello darling, just letting you know I've picked up the boys, everything is good"

I sag with relief and sigh down the phone.

"Elliot told me some boys tried to push Christian around in the playground, but Christian gave back as good as he got and they left him alone, thankfully it wasn't seen by any of the staff, Elliot assures me nothing major happened, so I suggest we over look it, what do you think?"

I think for a moment "Alright this once" I say firmly. "

"Ok" is the reply, "See you soon"

"Bye darling" I reply and put the phone down

I wait for them to arrive and soon Cary's car pulls up outside the door flies open and Elliot and Christian run towards me, they are both clutching pieces of paper in their hands. Christian has a picture of all of us and he has written all our names underneath and the words my family. I look and recognise myself and Carrick, Elliot and Mia I notice the small drawing of himself is apart from the rest of the family, he has drawn himself with a gap between him and the rest of us I wonder why but I put it out of my mind and I smile widely.

"Christian that's beautiful" I say encouragingly

I turn to Elliot he shows me a piece of writing he has done, which has a gold star stuck to it. I take both the papers and attach them to the fridge proudly.

Later on we sit around the table eating dinner, Carrick turns to Elliot, "so how was your day?" he asks.

Elliot looks at Carrick and smiles "Ok thanks dad" he goes on to describe the different things he did today.

Carrick turns to Christian, "What about you Christian, what did you do today?"

Christian swallows his mouthful of food and stares at Carrick, "It was ok, we did drawing, writing and reading" he stops "we did gym too" he pauses, my heart sinks, that means he had to get changed and the scars on his body did anyone say anything, I wait holding m breath for him to continue.

"I liked it, I climbed a rope, I got right to the top" he says proudly and for the first time since he arrived home he smiles.

"Wow well done!" I say encouragingly, I turn my attention to Mia who is sitting in her high chair I am feeding her and I see Christian is watching my every move.

Carrick looks at Christian, "Well done son, that was quite an achievement" he says smiling at him, I can see it is killing Carrick not to be able to hug Christian, if it had been Elliot he would have wrapped his arm around him and hugged him, he makes do with ruffling Christians hair, he seems to tolerate that although sometimes he does flinch.

Christian smiles, I love his smile, and would give anything to see it more often in fact I would give anything to be able to pull him onto my lap and wrap my arms around him. I am going to have to be patient for that though and give it as long as it takes for him to feel comfortable for me to do it.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 3

I like the piano, it makes a pretty noise, ever since I came here new mommy has let me play on it, I am sitting now gently pressing the keys down and playing a pretty tune. New mommy has promised when I am older I can learn to play it properly, but my hands have to get bigger first. But I like pressing the keys and making up tunes.

Grandmother is here, new mommy and dad have gone to fetch the new baby, I don't know how I feel about that, new mommy has said it doesn't make any difference I will still stay here. Lelliot doesn't want a new baby, I'm not sure, I don't know what to think, if the new baby is good like Lelliot she might not want me any more, I am a bad boy, I am a little shit.

My thoughts are disturbed by mew mommy shouting "Hi everyone, We're back, Elliot, Christian, come and meet Mia"

Elliot has gone straight over, he has looked at Mia and then walked away, should I go? What do I do? New mommy and dad are looking at me, new mommy crouches down.

"Christian, this is Mia" she says gently, she is looking at me and smiling. I walk closer, and I see her,, I have never seen anything so pretty, I want to touch her, but I'm not sure, but I want to, she is pretty, she's not a little shit she's like Lelliot she is good. I look at her and she smiles at me, I look at new mommy.

"Oh Mia likes you she's smiling at you" new mommy is smiling at me too, I decide to touch her, I'll touch her fingers in case she doesn't like being touched, new mommy is holding her but she might not want me to touch her, I gently touch her fingers, and she grabs me and pulls my finger to her mouth, its funny it makes me smile. I look at her again, I like her.

"Would you like to hold her Christian?" new mommy is looking at me, me? Hold her? I want to but I don't know, I don't want to hurt her I am a bad person she is good, but dad is patting the sofa, I want to hold her , she will touch me if I hold her, but I don't mind, she can't hurt me she is a baby, I want to hold her, I climb up on the sofa, new mommy puts her in my arms, she touches me, it feel s funny, I panic a little but remember she can't hurt me , she is little, I wrap my arm around her, nobody is going to hurt her like they hurt me, ever.

Suddenly she starts to cry, what I have I done, I've hurt her? I'm a bad person what do I do? I look at new mommy, I didn't mean to hurt her, i want to tell her but the words won't come out, but new mommy is smiling, perhaps I didn't hurt Mia but if I didn't why is she crying?

"Its ok darling, she's just hungry, I am going to feed her, would you like to help me?"

She's hungry, oh no, I want to help her, I don't want her to feel hungry I know what that is like, I want to help new mommy feed her, I nod frantically, I must get her some food.

I watch as new mommy gets Mia's food, I will watch so I can do it if new mommy lies on the floor like old mommy did, if the same thing happens to new mommy I need to feed Mia or she will get hungry and cry.

I watch new mommy feed her, she is spilling some of the food, I wipe it away gently. I decide I am going to follow new mommy and Mia around I want to see what new mommy does, I need to know, in case new mommy goes to sleep on the floor.

I play with her, I watch her go to sleep, new mommy is watching me, I am sitting on the stool next to her crib,

"Come along Christian, let Mia get to sleep" she says

I don't want to but I have to I have to go to bed, I have a bath and new mommy sits and watches me while I wash myself , and go to bed. I don't like bed, I dream about old mommy and the bad man, I remember what he did, I remember the pain, every night when I go to bed old mommy and the bad man come back and I don't like it. What if they come for Mia? I have to see her, I get out of bed and go into her room, I curl up by her bed, I can't let old mommy and the bad man get her.

Mia is whimpering, she isn't crying, but she is making noises, what do I do? I look at her, I'll fetch new mommy, new mommy is sleeping in bed I hope she will wake up, I run into her room, I touch her arm, she feels warm, I shake her wake up new mommy wake up, I wish my words will come out.

She opens her eyes oh thank god, I point, its dark she won't see me pointing.

"What's wrong darling?" she asks

"Mia" I said it, the word came out, new mommy looks shocked then she wakes up dad.

"Wake up Carrick, Wake up, Christian spoke" she says, what is she doing? Mia needs her, dad wakes up and asks her if she is dreaming, what are they doing Mia needs them.

"Mia" I say again more urgently

Dad get up and asks me to show him what the matter is, oh thank god, I pull him into Mia's room and point at her, I look around the room old mommy and the bad man are not here, I watch, dad bends down and puts something in Mia's mouth. She settles and goes back to sleep. Dad smiles at me and ruffles my hair he called me a good boy , dad called me a good boy, I helped Ma, helping Mia made me a good boy and not a little shit, I smile back at him. Dad wants me to go back to bed, I go but can't stay after dad goes back to bed, I creep back into Mia's room and curl up by her crib.

I wake up, its morning and because I was here old mommy and the bad man didn't come, I look at Mia, "Mia" I whisper to her then I see new mommy and dad looking at us, I point at Mia, and say it again a little louder.

New mommy crouches down beside me, "Yes darling, Mia is your sister" she says she is whispering she doesn't want to wake up Mia.

Whats a sister? I test the word and it comes out of my mouth, "Sister"

New mommy is crying, why? Did I say something wrong, but now is she is ruffling my hair and kissing me I must have had said something good.

"Mia, my sister" I say


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 4

I am worried, seriously worried about Christian, in fact you could say I am at my wits end, we have been called 7 times in as many days by the school Christian has been fighting and while they are sympathetic to his issues I can tell he is on shaky ground, up to now he has been defending himself, he hasn't started anything but he well and truly finishes it.

I am sitting with him now, in the principal's office, Carrick is sitting the other side and Elliot is speaking, he is defending his brother, saying the boys had goaded Christian into over reacting. Christian is sitting saying nothing he has a defiant look on his face I long to reach over and hold him in my arms tell him everything will be alright and comfort him.

I just don't know what to do, I glance at Carrick who has taken charge and is speaking up on behalf of his son, he is acknowledging Christian was wrong but pressing the point he was acting in self defence on every occasion. Carrick is the consummate defence lawyer, he is using his amazing oratory skills to defend our son. I smile at him as he glances at me, I know that this public show of loyalty of his son will disappear when we get home and Christian will be berated for his over reaction and appalling behaviour. We had thought that the martial arts he practiced would help with his issues but it seems to have made him worse giving him more to work with.

**_FIVE YEARS LATER..._**

"TELEPHONE CALL FOR DR TREVELYAN, TELEPHONE CALL FOR DR TREVELYAN" The announcement comes just as I am finishing my shift. I groan, now what, I want to go home.

I walk over to the nurse's station, and look expectantly at the nurse who put the call out for me.

"Your husband is on line 6 Dr Trevelyan are you taking it in your office?" I nod and open the door and enter my small office, as I close the door, I am filled with a feeling of foreboding.

I sigh deeply as I pick up the phone and without so much as a greeting I jump straight in "What's he done now?" I say with a sense of defeat.

"He's been suspended, he has finally pushed them too far, he broke another boy's nose, we are lucky the parent's aren't pressing charges as the other boy started it but because he inflicted some serious damage this time they have made an example of him" Carrick sounds grim I cringe Christian is getting worse rather than better, he is so angry all the time, he is eleven years old and has started puberty and since then his anger has escalated. He has been starting fights and generally behaving like an animal. He frightens me he has grown so tall so quickly he is as tall as Cary and much taller than me. The only person who seems to be able to do anything with him is Mia, he adores her and all though she is half his size he is so gentle with her.

"Ok, I'm just leaving now, I'm on my way home Cary, I'll be with you in about 20 minutes or so" I say

"Alright, drive carefully" he says in a softer tone.

I hang up and shake my head, grab my coat and purse and leave for home.

I arrive home and hear Cary shouting at Christian in his study, I sigh and head towards the voice. I knock on the door and then poke my head around. Christian is sitting in the chair in front of his father's desk and Cary is red faced and pacing, gesticulating wildly. I can see he is frustrated, its always the same with Christian, he just sits there and takes whatever is said without a word. We have always shied away from physical punishment because of Christian's history but nothing seems to be working with him. It seems we are going to have to keep him on a tight leash and try and get his new therapist to talk to him see if he can make any headway. I've not been happy with Christian's therapists he is on his third one in as many years and I am losing my faith in them none of them seem to be able to help him in any constructive way. He has tried most of the different therapies but nothing seems to help him.

"Why, Christian?" I say sadly

He swings around and looks at me, I can tell from his face he is sorry – I like to think so anyway, he doesn't say a word.

I look at Carrick, who shrugs and sits heavily into his chair. He stares at Christian.

"Ok you can go to your room, for the duration that you are suspended, you are not to leave this house under any circumstances, then when you go back to school, you are to come straight home every night, and you are grounded for a further month.

Christian nods and stands to leave, I watch him leave the room I turn to Carrick who is shaking his head. "That boy is on his last chance, if he does anything else, they will expel him, the principal told me so" he says "They have been more lenient on him than they would have been otherwise because of his ...issues, but he is beginning to start the problems and that is unforgivable, but he won't say why, he won't tell us what's going on in his head, I want to help him but I'm totally at a loss"

I walk around the table and sit in Carrick's lap and gently kiss his forehead, he sighs and wraps his arms around me, "Oh Grace" he sighs.

**_CHRISTIAN_**  
I am afraid, what am I becoming? I can't control myself, my anger is just out of control, what can I do? I sit and look at the notice board in my room, I look at the pictures of the holidays we have been on, I have this perfect family, they are too good and don't need me fucking up all the time, I make my mother sad and upset and my father angry, what can I do, all these feelings are overwhelming me.

My attention is drawn to the small picture in the corner of my notice board, I scowl and the anger rises inside me again, its all her fault the stupid crack whore if she had loved me, and not loved the drugs more and protected me as a mother should have done, I wouldn't be in this mess now, I wouldn't be screwing up everyone elses lives these wonderful perfect people who took me in look how I have repaid them, I don't deserve to breathe the same air as them. I wish my father would give me a good spanking, he spanks Elliot and Mia when they are naughty but he has never laid a finger on me, I am an outsider I don't get treated the same as everyone else.

I feel other urges stirring and I glance down at myself, shit that's all I need, since I started puberty I've been a walking hard on, I can't control all these...feelings, god I am feeling so horny I take myself into the bathroom and sort myself out, and take a cold shower. What the hell is wrong with me? I feel like I am going crazy. 


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 5

Here we are again in the principal's office, this is getting ridiculous, Christian is clearly out of control, he has been expelled from his school and three more, and it looks like this is going to be a fourth. I am at my wits end, Carrick is out of his depth, but nothing seems to get through to him.

I cannot bear to listen to what he has done, he is vicious he has broken another boys jaw this time, how the hell he managed that I have no idea, but this brawling is out of control.

Carrick looks so angry, he will be tearing him off a strip when we get home again, but it just doesn't have any effect on him. I sometimes wonder if we did the right thing not spanking him, Carrick and I had agreed not to lay a finger on him because of the torture he had obviously suffered and yet at times when Carrick has spanked Elliot Christian looks almost envious of the treatment he is getting.

I am drawn from my thoughts by the dreaded words which I was hoping that wouldn't be said.

"I'm sorry but I feel in order to protect the other children in our care we can no longer accept Christian at this school".

Carrick nods he isn't fighting any more he is resigned to the fact there is nothing he can say or do to defend his son, I look at him and then to Christian who looks contrite and he looks at me I can see he is sorry, its almost as if he can't control himself I wish he would just let me hold him and open up to me.

We get up and leave, we drive home in silence, when we arrive Carrick pulls me into his study and closes the door.

"Grace, we have to do something, we can't go on like this, that boy only responds to violence, I know that we have always shied away from that sort of punishment but I think we have made a mistake" He walks over to his decanter and looks at it frowning slightly.

"Grace have you been drinking my whiskey?" he asks me

"Don't be ridiculous, Cary, you know I hate that stuff" I reply

Carrick looks at me with a concerned look on his face "Grace, this was full, two days ago, its now half empty, I don't have any more than a couple of shots at a time – so where has it gone?"

"Well it has to be either Elliot or Christian, I don't think Mia would even think about it" I say.

This is the last thing we need right now, I look at my watch, Elena is coming soon I don't know what I would do without her, she offers me perspective on things I have told her everything, and she has been such a comfort and tower of strength, Cary and I are too close, too involved she is detached and can look at things objectively. I leave Cary looking for a new school for Christian.

"Grace darling" Elena breezes in and air kisses me, we settle on the sofa and I immediately feel calm and I begin to talk.

"Hello Mrs Lincoln" I look up and see Elliot he is on his way out somewhere, I smile at him. Elena beams at him.

"Hello Elliot" she says as she watches leave.

"I won't be long" he says turning to me, I nod and watch him disappear out of the house. My attention is drawn to a figure walking through into the kitchen. Elena notices too.

"Hello Christian" she says she stares at him, waiting for him to respond, he nods but doesn't say a word.

"Christian" I say quietly

"Mrs Lincoln" he replies sullenly

I shake my head and find myself apologising for my son... again. Elena brushes it off she doesn't seem to mind. We get into conversation about other things, I ask her how the build is going on the house, and it seems to be progressing well, before we know it a couple of hours have passed and she is leaving, I am sad to see her go, as she is leaving she turns and speaks.

"Listen Grace how about putting Christian to work, occupy his mind, give him something to focus on, our house is like a building site, with all the rubble and rubbish everywhere, why not send him down, he can earn a bit of money it will probably do him good, he is a big strong boy he will manage the hard labour easily, what do you think?"

I smile gratefully at Elena "You are a darling, that is a brilliant idea, how can I ever thank you, you are so good to us, you listen to me droning on and you never complain" I stop I am feeling quite emotional.

Elena reaches and hugs me tightly, "Its my pleasure, and don't be so silly, you know I am always here for you".

Elena leaves and I turn to go and find Carrick, I explain quickly Elena's idea and he is happy for Christian to do it. We call him down and explain to him what has been discussed.

"So I will be paid for doing this work?" he asks

We nod I can see his mind working and he smiles, "Ok" he says and turns to leave.

_**CHRISTIAN**_  
Mom and dad are furious...again, I am furious, I've been expelled from another school this is getting ridiculous, my whole life is a mess I can't control this anger, I lash out, I want some kind of physical contact but I am so afraid if someone touches me what I will do so I just hit first ask questions later. Girls want to touch me, I can't bear that thought, they find me attractive, I can't think why the only thing that calms me down is dads whiskey, I didn't like it to start with, but the feeling it gave me when I drank more of it was...nice I felt calm and relaxed it was nice. I think he is noticing though, so I have had to leave it alone, I have started drinking other things, wine and beer they are easily concealed and I can get away with it.

Now mom and dad want me to go and work for Mrs Lincoln I'll be earning money, I can buy my own beer and whiskey, I have a fake ID and I look much older than my fifteen years , this will be fantastic if it works out.

I eagerly agree to do the work, I don't really like Mrs Lincoln, there is something weird about her, she always dresses in black and she stares at me, her eyes seem to bore into me, she scares me a bit, she has looked at Elliot like that a few times but not Mia. I'm not sure what to make of her, but if she is willing to pay me for clearing her yard who am I to say no.

My mind swings back to my mom and dad they are looking at me waiting for my response to the idea of going to work at Mrs Lincoln's I agree of course and they look relived and happy. I just want to be normal I know I am upsetting mom and dad, what can I do I am and always will be a little shit. I don't deserve this family.

The next day I am at Mrs Lincolns house, dad is still trying to find me a new school so I am spending my day here . Fucking hell! This is harder than I thought, it's hot and this is back breaking work, Mr Lincoln is not here, I'm glad I don't really like him. Mrs Lincoln is nowhere around, but I am working hard, I'm not slacking because I want that money. What I'd do for a nice cold beer right now.

I look up, and as if my prayers have been sort of answered, Mrs Lincoln is walking towards me with a glass of lemonade. She hands it to me.

"Here, I thought you might like this" she says smiling at me.

"Thanks" I say gulping down the lemonade.

"You are doing a fine job there Christian" she says

"Thanks" I reply, "It'd be done a damn sight quicker if you came out and helped too!" I say

I am shocked, by her reaction I expected her to chastise me for my smart comment but not in the way she does - she slaps me hard around the face, wow I have never been hit that hard since I was little. I am speechless, but even more so with her next reaction, she grabs my face and kisses me, shit I can feel myself hardening, I respond to her kiss and she stops immediately and slaps me again, turns and walks away.

What the fuck was that?! I am lost I feel elated but confused, I want her to do that again, I return to my work, she doesn't even mention it again when I go to leave.

"I'll see you tomorrow Christian" she says as I am leaving

"Yes" I say, damn right you will I want more of that I think to myself. 


	7. Chapter 7

**I have had numerous comments about my take on this part of Christian's life, I have tried not to get too heavy with the BDSM and I know some readers find the whole Christian/Elena relationship uncomfortable, but it has to be done to get the context but there is only this chapter and the next one where it really features before I move on to the next phase of Christians life.**

CHAPTER 6

I can't believe it, my life has meaning, it has focus for the first time I feel like I belong, and all I have to do is take a few beatings, well I can manage that, I deserve them, she doesn't call me a little shit but I know she thinks it, I have given up all control to her, she makes my decisions and wow what it has done for me, if I lose my temper I get a beating, I have to tell her what has been happening each day, if I lie she knows and gives me a beating, I don't want to lie I want to be truthful, if I am truthful she rewards me, she kisses me, she hasn't touched me she just grabs my face, the only time she touches my body is when she punishes me I can take that, I deserve it. She rewards me too though Oh I love the rewards, she hasn't fucked me yet not properly, she has sucked me off and stroked me off but that's all.

I am in her basement now, I am strapped to a bench I am buck naked and oh my god I am so hard, she has told me, I have been exceptionally good, I have been working up to this moment, she has been teaching me control, when she sucks me off I am not allowed to come until she says, I am learning, if I come before she says she hits me. I am learning control over my body. I look up and she has come into the room, she picks a crop up from her collection and walks towards me and looks at my hard on. To my surprise she unties me. She doesn't say a word, but points to the corner, immediately I respond and take my position on my knees my head down and my hands on my lap. She stands over me.

"Who controls you?" she says

"You do mistress" I say quietly not looking at her

"That is correct, so why do you have an erection without my permission?"

Shit, my wild thoughts about her fucking me caused that, and now I have to tell her so.

"I was thinking about you fucking me" I say quietly

She hits me with the crop, "Did I give you permission to think about that?" she says sternly

"No" I say

She hits me again, "Excuse me?!" she says

"No mistress" I respond

She grabs my chin and roughly pulls my head up "I am your mistress and don't you forget it, I say when and I say how and you do not think about it unless I give you permission to do so do you understand?" she waits

"Yes mistress" I say

"Good" she hits me again, "Stand up and bend over the bench"

I stand quickly in one fluid movement, she doesn't like it if I scramble to my feet, she likes gracefulness. I do as she asks and she beats me repeatedly with the crop.

I have to tell her what I have done, how I did at school, what has happened in my day, my grades are improving, I have stopped drinking and I am controlling my anger my new school was astonished and couldn't understand why I have been expelled from so many other schools, I am a model student now and I have her to thank for all that. I tell her everything that has happened today, I don't lie and I don't embellish because I know she will find out, she looks pleased.

"Stand up" she orders

I do so immediately, my hard on has gone down and she looks pleased.

"Go and lie on the bed" she says

I do as she says, she blindfolds me. I feel her climb on to the bed and straddle me.

"You have pleased me, so I am going to reward you, I am going to teach you to fuck"

_**GRACE**_  
I can't believe the transformation that has come over Christian, its like we have a different person in the house, it seems he has finally got his head together and is making an effort in his life, this new school has been the making of him, he has settled stopped the brawling and his grades are sky rocketing.

The school, have kept me informed of his progress, and they cannot understand why he has been excluded from so many other schools. I am so relieved I just hope this new Christian stays.

I am pulled from my thoughts by Christian walking in through the front door, I am getting ready to go to the hospital for the night shift, and I smile at him.

"Hello darling, what are your plans for this evening?" I ask

He shrugs, "Homework" he says sullenly

"Never mind, it won't take all night and you can have a bit of relaxation time afterwards"

My attention is taken by Carrick entering the room, he looks pleased with himself, "Christian my boy, I have just spoken to the principal you are on target to get the highest grades of this semester, I am so proud of you, you have really turned things around" he hesitates, "Christian I want to hug you so badly will you allow me to do so?"

I see Christian hesitate, "Just touch my neck...nowhere else" he mutters.

Carrick nods and steps towards his son, I hold my breath watching this unfolding pivotal moment how Christian reacts will determine how much he has changed in this miraculous few weeks, I watch as Carrick gently wraps his hand around Christians neck and pulls his head to his shoulder, I see Christian freeze as Carrick gently stokes the back of his head. He is holding onto Carrick's arms as though he is afraid he will touch him elsewhere and he is getting ready to push him off but I hear Carrick muttering in Christian ear how proud he is of him and not to worry that he will only touch his neck and head, and Christians grip on Carrick's arms gradually relaxes. I want to share this moment I move towards him, I am desperate to have some physical contact with my son, tears are pouring down my cheeks, I touch Christian's hand Carrick gently releases him and I turn and hold my arms out waiting for his permission for me to hold him, he hesitates then moves towards me, I wrap my arms around his neck and he bends and rests his head on my shoulder, he nuzzles into my neck and my heart feels like its breaking, I desperately want to run my hands down his back and pull him closer to me, but I know that if I do the trust he is putting in me at this moment will be broken , so there we stand practically at arms length my arms wrapped around his neck in this strange embrace, I feel him pull away, and I immediately release him, I look up into his face and he looks confused, I touch his face, and kiss his cheek.

"Christian thank you" I say, I grasp his hand not wanting the precious contact with my son to end "You have no idea how much that meant to me, I have waited eleven years to give you that cuddle, I will always respect your boundaries but now I feel like a proper mother to you"

Carrick nods "Well done son, I am so proud of you"

Christian looks embarrassed I release him and he wanders away to his room, I stare at Carrick, and he pulls me into his arms.

"I have to go" I say eventually, "I need to get to work".


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 7

_**FIVE YEARS LATER**_

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING, DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK DROPPING OUT OF HARVARD IS THE SMARTEST DECISION YOU HAVE EVER MADE?!"

I have walked in on Carrick berating Christian in his study, although the door is shut I can hear his voice all around the house, I make my way to the study and with a deep breath I knock, and then peep around the door.

As one Christian and Carrick turn and look at me, Christian is furious and defiant and Carrick is just plain furious.

"Grace, perhaps you can talk some sense into our son, because he's not listening to me" Carrick waves his arms wildly and paces around his study.

"I know what I am doing father, I am starting my own business I have the financial backing and I believe I can do this, I wish you would have just a bit of faith in me to make my own decisions, I am 20 years old and I know what i am doing". Christians cool demeanour and impassive expression as he says this unnerves me, he is so detached, I step forward and grasp his hand.

"Christian darling we are just worried about you", I say desperately trying to extract some emotion from him, but he just stares at me I plough on regardless, "you think you can take on the world and win at your age but its hard out there".

I stop as he stares at me his eyes an icy grey, "Mother, I don't think I can take on the world – I know I can" he stops and pulls his hand from my grasp turns and walks out of the study, leaving Carrick and myself with our mouths open.

I look at Carrick "Well, I wasn't expecting that" I say I must admit I am concerned about Christian, he has become so detached and aloof there is a strange unnerving calm about him, I don't know what has caused this but I'm not sure I like it.

I sigh "Listen Carrick, lets just give him his head, if he has financial backing someone must trust he can succeed, or they wouldn't have lent him the money, we will be there to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart, he is right he is a grown man now we can't interfere all we can do is advise and hope he comes to his senses".

Carrick nods at me, "I suppose you are right, ...I just...he is so intelligent, I don't want him to throw away his academic chances at Harvard on a whim"

I nod, "Well, you could look at it like this, he is so intelligent and wilful, he may just succeed in his venture who knows?"

"Only time will tell" Carrick replies in a defeated way, he shakes his head and rakes his hand through his hair, he turns to me, and smiles, "Oh Grace what would I do without your wisdom, you are so good for me" he pulls me into his arms and I respond to his gentle touch.

We are disturbed by Mia's shout, I sigh, "come on lets see what the matter is" I say as we turn and leave the study.

**_CHRISTIAN_**  
I always knew telling my parents that I was dropping out of Harvard wouldn't go down well, but my fathers reaction was a little startling, he was so upset, but what gets to me the most is their lack of faith in me, that they have assumed I will fail before I even start. There is only one person who believes in me – Elena, I know she will always have my back, she has lent me Linc's money to get me started and I won't let her down. I will be a success.

I will never forget the day she came into my life, she has made me the person I am, driven, composed and ruthless, I will succeed . I am on my way to meet Elena now after the confrontation with my father I need to let off some steam, she is taking me to the club tonight, my training to become a dom is almost complete, I love it there - the feeling of control.

_**ONE YEAR LATER**_

I am astounded with Christian's success in the business world, he has at 21 become a multi millionaire, his company Grey Enterprise Holdings has grown dramatically in the year since he started up, he has repaid his mystery benefactor the start up loan and is on target to make his first billion by the end of this year. Carrick and I are so proud of him, if not a little overwhelmed by his success, never in a million years did we expect this sort of success and the fact it has happened so rapidly is breathtaking.

He has bought his own home, a penthouse suite in Seattle, in the Escala building, we don't see him so much now, but he still worries me, I know he isn't happy, he makes a show of being happy but he is so alone, he is like an island, he just won't let anyone in.

"Hello Mother" Christian pulls me from my thoughts with his stiff welcome, he kisses my cheek and touches my shoulder with his hand, I am careful not to touch his body, but I wrap my arms around his neck as he tolerates that, and kiss his cheek.

"Hello darling, how are you?" I say looking at him carefully, "Are you eating properly now you are on your own?" I am concerned that he is living on takeouts.

He smiles at me, "Yes mother, actually I would like you to meet someone" he turns and shouts "GAIL" out of a doorway comes a woman carrying a laundry basket.

"Yes Mr Grey" she says

"Gail, I would like to introduce you to my mother, mother this is Gail Jones, my housekeeper...and fantastic cook!" he smiles at me.

"Oh" I stutter, and hold my hand out to the woman standing in front of me, she lowers the laundry basket to the floor and walks towards me.

"Very pleased to meet you" she says warmly, I immediately like her, she has a kind face.

"So how did you meet Christian?" I ask

She glances at Christian and he nods at her, "We have a mutual...erm friend, Elena Lincoln, she told me Mr Grey was looking for a housekeeper and I was looking for a job, and she introduced us"

"Oh I see" I am a little surprised I know little of Elena's background; she has never talked about her life before she moved to the area when she married Linc. But this woman hardly seems to be in the same circle. My attention is brought back to her as she is still speaking.

"When my husband and I divorced Elena was a great source of support for me... I will always be grateful to her for that, and for helping me get this job" she stops and looks a little uncomfortable, "I'll be getting on, was there anything else you needed Mr Grey?" she looks at Christian questioningly.

"No that will be all" Christian replies curtly. She nods and turns to leave, picking up the laundry basket.

Christian turns to me, "happy now mother?" he asks in an equally curt tone, I smile at him and touch his face.

"Christian I am your mother it is my job to worry about you" I say gently.

His face softens a little and he kisses my cheek again, "I am a grown man now, I am 21 years old and I have my own successful business, my own home – I think you can stop worrying about me"

"You will understand when you have children, you never stop worrying about them" I stop, his face has resumed its impassive and shut down look, he doesn't want to hear this, I wonder and not for the first time, if he is gay.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 8

Oh god she is so good, I am going come again, I am the dominant now, Elena has taught me well now she is playing the part of my sub, although I have the feeling she is always topping from the bottom.

I shut my eyes as I come again and fall on top of her.

"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS GOING ON HERE" I turn and see a furious Linc standing in the doorway, shit, I grab my clothes as he stalks towards me, he grabs my arms and shoves me out of the way and grabs Elena by the hair, I can't control myself I pull him off and punch him away from her.

"Christian, just leave NOW" I turn, Elena has told me to go.

"No, I won't leave you with him" I say and stand my ground.

"Christian, do as I say and go" she is ordering me to go , I silently obey recognising her stance and demeanour, I leave the room. I quickly dress and leave. What happens now are we over? I can't believe we got caught. What will he do to her?

I hover around outside, I won't go, I hide and wait, I hear screams and violence from inside, I am immediately transported to my early childhood, I heard these sort of sounds regularly with the crack whore and her pimp. I wait after what seems like an eternity I see Linc leaving and driving away in his car, I rush in and see Elena on the floor she has been beaten to a pulp, I crouch down beside her.

"Oh my god what has he done to you?" I am beside myself, I reach for my phone.

"No" she says "Christian just go please"

" I can't fucking leave you here like this" I am getting angry again.

"Yes you can, you need to go, you cannot be linked to this"

I realise she is right, I stand I am still unwilling to leave her, i hand her her phone, and kiss her head before I go.

I am in my office later when my phone rings, I pull it from my pocket, its my mother.

"Grey" I say

"Christian, Elena's in hospital, she is in a terrible state, her ribs, jaw and arm are broken and she looks like she has been hit by a bus"

I fake a shocked tone, "What! What on earth has happened?" I say

"Linc, he lost his mind and beat her she won't say why, I think she is in shock"

"Well, all you can do is be there for her" I say, my mother will look after her, if can't be there for her.

"You're right, she will tell me when she is ready, I can't believe he would do such a thing"

_

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU ARE NOT PRESSING CHARGES, THAT ANIMAL HALF KILLED YOU!" I am beside myself, a nurse comes rushing in.

"Mr Grey I would inform you, you are in a hospital" she glares at me

"Sorry" I mutter glaring back, she leaves the room with a sigh

"Christian, I can't press charges, if I do it will all come out about us, what would that do to you and your business, not to mention what it would do to Carrick and Grace, be sensible Christian, Linc and I have talked it though and come to an agreement, we divorce, I don't make any claims on his money I don't make a fuss or press charges and he keeps quiet about what he walked in on".

I nod, but I'm not happy, "Ok" I say.

Elena looks relieved and sighs, "Thank you" she says. "You do realise we are over don't you, you need to use this to start on your own"

I nod again, "What about you? What will you do now?"

She sighs again, "Linc is giving me enough to buy my own place and get out of his life and home, and I was thinking about starting my own business, a beauty parlour for women where they can get anything they want done, hair, waxing, you know the sort of thing".

I nod, "I will help you start up, I know nothing about that sort of thing so I will be a silent partner, give you what you need to make it happen but you will have control, I'm sure you will be a success and I can make a little out of it too" I rise to leave, "We will talk about it when you are back on your feet". I grasp her good hand and kiss it gently.

She nods and smiles "Thank you Christian, we will always be friends, even though the other side of our relationship is over"

As I am driving back to my office I can't get the idea of revenge of some sort out of my head, I want to make Linc pay somehow. I think about it, and it comes to me in a flash, his business Lincoln Timber, it has just been floated the plan comes together in my mind quickly.

"Ros my office now" I stalk into my office and wait, Ros walks in and looks at me, I was blessed the day I took her on board, she is pragmatic, and down to earth, and she has the same head for business as I do.

"Yes" she says

"Sit down and listen" I gesture to the seat in front of my desk.

Ros sits and stares at me expectantly

"Lincoln Timber, buy as much stock as you can, I am feeling I want to get into the timber business"

"Ok, is that all?"

"Yes" I glance at Ros

She nods and rises to her feet and leaves, now if I hold enough stock, I could bankrupt him, I will hold that card for when I need it, I will make sure if he ever tells about myself and Elena I will destroy him.

ELENA  
Oh the pain is insufferable, I always underestimated Linc and now I am paying for it. At least he doesn't know the full details of the relationship between myself and Christian, he thinks its a new thing, I am bored he doesn't love me physically and I broke the rules, I could have my bits on the side and he turned a blind eye as long as I didn't do anything in our bed, and what did I do I took Christian to our bed.

I knew he would find us but I wanted out, I've had enough of living a lie, I am bored i want more, Linc was never my type I prefer younger men. Christian was my way out, and he played his part perfectly. Linc isn't stupid enough to make public what he walked in on, his ego wouldn't cope with the humiliation, I have made a deal and I am finally free, and the icing on the cake, Christian will fund my business venture out of guilt for what happened to me.

I must admit I was a little shocked at the ferocity of Linc's beating, anyone would think that deep down he did care. I glance at my watch, 10:15 I should really be getting some sleep.

My door opens and I turn to look.

Oh shit that's all I need, "Grace darling, how lovely to see you" I plaster a fake smile on my face, which with my broken jaw looks more like a grimace.

"Elena, how are you? I can't believe Linc could do such a terrible thing"

"Don't worry Grace, we are divorcing" I say shortly

"Why did he do it?" she pushes

"Oh we had a disagreement and it got out of hand" I reply flippantly. I turn to look at her, and feel a little guilty about the concern in her eyes, if only she knew the truth, "Grace I don't mean to be rude but I am very tired".

She smiles at me, "Of course, I just needed to see you and make sure you are alright, I will leave you in peace" she smiles again.

"Thank you for coming" I say, as Grace rises from her seat, "Maybe if you come back another time" I say.

"Of course, I wasn't thinking I will visit with you at a more sociable time, I will let you get to sleep now, I need to get back to my patients anyway" and with that she is gone.

I sigh and close my eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER 9

_**ONE YEAR LATER**_

I am in my office reading the latest batch of sick death threats which have come through to my office, I will pass them on to Welch he will sort it, the best thing I ever did was employ him, but I am thinking I need a bodyguard, some personal protection, I am a target from all sorts of nutcases with what I am continuing to build. Welch has sorted some candidates from his contacts I like the look of one of these characters Jason Taylor, ex special forces with numerous other qualities, divorced with a small child, not sure about that, although I could use that to my advantage if he is the right candidate, dangle his daughter as a carrot to make him do things, on paper he does seem to be the best candidate, being an ex seal he would appreciate and understand my need for privacy well I suppose I had better select a short list for interviewing.

Right then show time, lets see what Welch has found for me, "Andrea send in Mr Sawyer"

My door opens and in walks a very young man, he looks at me, I rise and shake his hand gesture to the seat, he sits his eyes are all over the place, he seems a bit jumpy hmm not sure about him.

"Mr Sawyer tell me a little about yourself"

Three hours later and I have my decision, I was right Jason Taylor is the best and I will be offering him the job, he seems very calm and collected and he knows his shit, god he knows his shit. I have to say I was impressed by Luke Sawyer though, I may ask Welch to keep him as well on books for cover, Welch has done background checks on them all and they are all clean, yes I am happy with my decision.

Ok back to the grind now. I glance at my schedule, and press the intercom button to my secretary, Andrea.

"Yes Mr Grey" she says

"Andrea send in my 3pm appointment" 

* * *

"LEILA, GET HERE NOW!" I am home and ready for action, I need to fuck and I need to beat the hell out of someone and that someone is Leila, where is that girl?

I hear her footsteps, she arrives and falls at my feet her head bowed, "Go to the playroom, and assume the position" I bark at her.

"Yes master" she says and disappears keeping her eyes averted from me.

I hurry upstairs and change into my worn jeans and enter the playroom, Leila is behind the door on her knees. I look at her, I feel nothing for her, no emotions other than the release she gives me when I fuck her and beat her.

I grab the crop and stand over her.

"Leila you kept me waiting when I called you"

"I'm sorry master" she says keeping her head down

"You will be punished" i say coldly

"Yes master" she replies

I drag her to the spanking bench and tie her to it, "You will get 5 strokes of the crop for keeping me waiting, and you will count them" I say "do you understand?"

"yes master" she says

I raise my arm and bring down the crop hard across her ass, she counts as I beat her.

When I have finished I stop my breathing is ragged and I am so hard I push myself between her legs, and wrap my hands in her hair and lift her head up

"You have been punished, will you keep me waiting again?" I ask

"No master" she says

"Good, I am going to fuck you now, this is for me you may not come"

"Yes master" she says

I undo my fly and ram into her oh god thats good that releases all my tension. I keep going until I come inside her, I pull out and turn her over, I grab her wrists and pull her to the bed, I restrain her and climb on top of her. I have the crop in my hand and some nipple clamps and a few other toys.

Three hours later I am in my shower and I am feeling much better, Leila is in her room and as I climb into bed I sigh deeply, I wonder if I will have a nightmare tonight, stupid thought I know I will, every fucking night I have one. I lie down and shut my eyes hoping I get some sleep before i am woken by my past I drift off to sleep.

I am on the floor of my old home, mommy is sitting on the sofa, she looks at me but she doesn't see me she looks through me, her eyes are red I walk behind her, and grab her brush, I start brushing her hair, she turns and smiles at me, she likes that, I braid her hair, and fasten it.

"Thank you" she says and smiles again, I turn towards her, but the door opens, she freezes and so do I, I dash underneath the table and hide, he is back, he staggers into the room.

"Where's my money you fucking bitch?" she stands and slips her hand in her pocket and hands him the notes which that other man gave her when he came out of her room, he counts it and raises his hand and smacks her soundly around the mouth, she falls to the floor.

Mommy, get up please, I watch from my hiding place, I should go out there and look after her, but if he sees me he will hit me like that so I stay hidden.

"Where's the fucking rest of it?" he snarls

She shakes her head, and looks afraid, I know where it has gone, she gave it to the man she called who gave her a small packet. Then he went she went into her room and then she came out and was rubbing her nose.

He walks over to the table and looks down shit he's found me. He reaches in and grabs me by my hair and drags me out, he pulls me to my feet "Come here you little shit" he says, he turns to mommy, "I said where is the money?" I look at mommy pleading with her to tell him where it is.

"Man took it" I wail he freezes and looks at me.

"Shut your mouth you little shit" he says and he hits me the pain shoots through me, he throws me to the ground and pulls his belt off and hits me again and again I scream...

I am awake covered in sweat, feeling the fear and pain, shit, its 4:30 I go to the bathroom and stand under the shower bringing my breathing under control and washing away the remains of my nightmare. I press my forehead against the shower wall, my arms are stretched out on the tiles, I feel the water gushing down my back, I am alone with my thoughts, but that is nothing new I am alone.


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 10

"Good morning Mr Grey what would you like for breakfast?" I am busy in the kitchen and I smile at him, he never smiles back, he always looks so sad and alone, my heart breaks for him.

"Omelette please" he responds shortly

"Right away sir" I reply and set to work, I place a mug of coffee in front of him. He takes it.

"Thank you" he mutters.

I wish he wouldn't be so closed off, Elena warned me he was like this. But it's the best job I have ever had, he pays me well, and all I have to do is cook and clean and keep my mouth shut about what I see and hear. I can manage that.

I am thinking about Elena, she has changed dramatically over the years, we first met at school, we lived not far from each other, we were inseparable when we were kids and that carried on through our teens until our late 20's when my husband died, Elena came to see me and helped me, I am so pleased she gave me the heads up about this job, it came just at the right time. She seems to care about Christian, I wonder if she knows about his sexual preferences, of course she doesn't, why would she, he doesn't speak to anyone, and I am not about to jeopardise my job by betraying him, and gossiping about him to Elena.

I watch him eat his breakfast and he leaves without a word, I shake my head, I wish he would open up a bit.

_**THE NEXT DAY**_

_**CHRISTIAN**_  
I am training with Claude, this is so good for me he works me hard in the week, when there is no chance of having sex to relieve my tension, I kick the shit out of him, and knock him on his ass that feels so good.

"On fire today Grey" he says with a grin, as he gets up for a second time. I am on him again he gets a couple of shots in but I am quick and soon have the upper hand again, this is what I need I need the control, I am in charge Bastile and don't you forget it!

I get back home and shower before getting ready for work - that has set me up for the day, I am ready to take on the world now.

After a huge day at work, I am elated, I have just made 2 million dollars in a deal which will go on producing more every year, god I am good at this.

I turn to see Leila arriving. Excellent I am in the mood for a good session tonight. I am pleased with Leila she has proved herself a good sub, I want to renew her contract, I will do it now before we start.

"Sit down" I command

Leila hesitates and I point to the chair at the breakfast bar, she sits and I walk towards her.

"You have pleased me" I say and drop a new contract in front of her. I hand her my pen and am surprised when she doesn't sign.

She looks up at me, what the hell is she doing, "I want more" she says quietly

"NO" I shout

She immediately drops to her knees looking up at me pleading, "I love you master" she says.

My hands go to my head I start grasping my hair, no no no I can't do this, she can't love me, I don't love her, she is a convenient fuck and someone who looks like the crack whore who I can beat, she doesn't know me she can't love me. Pull yourself together Grey you are her master get a grip, I feel myself getting stronger, I stand over her, she is cowering from me, good, making me almost lose control like that. That's it, she has to go, I don't want more. I don't love her, I don't need her I don't need anyone.

"Go" I say

She bursts into tears and runs out of the apartment.

As the door slams I sink on to the sofa as I sit down I put my head in my hands, why do these women do it to me, they can't love me they know nothing about me, and I couldn't love them if I tried, its ridiculous, they want more, well I'll be damned if I am going to give more, there is no such thing as love, love is for fools, and these women must be fools to love me.

"Erm Mr Grey are you ready for supper" I turn and Gail is looking anxiously at me.

"Yes" I say

"Ok Sir I'll dish it up for you, then if I may I'll be off, I'm going to visit my sister in Portland" she hesitates waiting for me to respond.

"Yes I remember" I snap I stand and walk towards the breakfast bar, She pulls the casserole out of the oven and I watch her serve it up for me, she places the plate in front of me.

"Will that be all Sir?" she asks

I nod

She smiles at me "Very good sir, there is plenty more in the dish if you want to help yourself, what ever is left just leave it and I will sort it out when I get back".

I nod again. She doesn't normally say that, she must have heard Leila go and knows I am alone Leila would have sorted it out.

I watch Gail leave and sit alone with my supper.

_**LEILA**_

That's it then, finished, just like that, I know I should never have said anything, I should have just signed his damn contract at least I would have been with him, even if I couldn't have all of him, he is so mysterious and dark, master is dark, master who am I kidding someone else will be calling him that before the next week is out, Why can't he love me?

I am sitting in a cafe nursing a coffee and drowning in misery I feel like my heart is breaking in two, the day he picked me at that club i felt elated he wanted me out of all those other girls. I had spoken to a few who he had picked before, they all loved him to a certain degree, and were devastated when it ended there is something about him which gets into your head which makes you want to love him to care for him, but he won't let anyone near enough to do so, but I could have done it if I hadn't been so stupid and ruined it all with my big mouth, putting everything on the line, I should have kept my mouth shut and won him around slowly, I moved too fast thats what I did and now I have nothing, got to say, I'm going to miss him spending his money on me as well, I mean what girl doesn't, car, underwear, make up. I touch my designer trench coat. No more designer stuff for me, back to Walmart from now on. Well done Leila you fucked this up big time!


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER 11

"Hello mother, Merry Christmas" I kiss Grace on the cheek and she beams at me, she kisses my cheek and wraps her arms around my neck. I shake my fathers hand and move into the family room. Mia squeals when she sees me and launches herself at me, I smile indulgently at her. It has never bothered me when Mia touches me.

"Merry Christmas Mia" I mutter.

I push her away and sit quietly in the corner. Elliot arrives and starts acting like a clown, I scowl and try to look invisible.

"Hey bro, merry Christmas" Elliot comes over and touches my shoulder, I freeze but he doesn't seem to notice. I nod at him and settle down in the chair. My mother comes in with armfuls of presents and calls us all over, she loves Christmas and I wouldn't dream of missing it for the world, I know it would hurt her badly if I didn't come, I can't think why though, I have never really liked Christmas, I never had Christmas till I came to live with Grace and Carrick.

I am suddenly remembering my early childhood, I am transported back through the years to that first Christmas when I had been adopted, Grace explained to concept of Christmas, telling me Santa came and left presents for good boys and girls, I had never had presents at Christmas before so that must have meant I was a bad boy, and i was, I was a little shit.

I was shocked Christmas morning when I had presents, i was afraid, what if Santa had got it wrong and realised I was a bad boy and didn't deserve them.

I am pulled from my less than pleasant memories by my father, "Christian your turn" he says patiently, I turn and grasp the bag I have brought with me and hand out presents to my family, as usual they are all totally overwhelmed by the gifts, Mia is in raptures over the Cartier necklace, I bought Elliot the new fleet of diggers he needed for his construction business it took him a moment to realise what it was when he opened the box with the 4 sets of keys inside. I bought my mother and father a new car each.

"You are totally over the top!" Elliot says

I shrug, "You needed them, I can afford them what's the problem?" I say curtly.

My mother smiles at me, "You are very generous Christian, thank you" she kisses my cheek.

I use the bag to push the gifts i have been given, a beautiful pair of cufflinks from Mia with my initials engraved in them. Elliot has given me a joke gift – the book Economics for Dummies and I know he feels bad now after the fleet of diggers I got for him, but I appreciate his gift, I know he doesn't know what to buy but this is so...Elliot I see the joke and I assure him I will read and learn from it. I pause and stare at the gift from my parents, this I am really pleased with, flying lessons, I have been seriously considering this myself for a while now, I have been considering buying a helicopter to fly myself to meetings which are getting more and more regular. This is perfect. My mind immediately goes back to that first Christmas again and the remote control helicopter my parent bought me, I had been captivated by it.

_**GRACE**_  
Christmas day, I have always loved Christmas, and having the family around me. As usual I am worried about Christian, he seems so distant and self contained, I never know what he is thinking, Elliot and Mia are an open book, Christian never lets us in.

He was lost in his own thoughts as we opened the presents, such a sad expression on his face, as usual he has gone totally over the top with his gifts, he knew Carrick and I needed a new car, so what did he do he bought two, one each, Elliot needed a new digger for his company so Christian bought him a fleet.

He seems to have this fear of being poor, he works obsessively to make more and more money, but who can blame him, when i think back to that little scrap that was brought into the hospital that night, it still breaks my heart to think of it. Then the first Christmas he spent with us, he was four years old and had no concept of Christmas or what it meant, it was pitiful to see him on Christmas morning looking at his gifts almost as if he could believe they were all for him.

I pull myself from my worrying, its Christmas a time to be happy, I put on some Christmas carols and switch the lights on thats much better. I go into the kitchen to check how dinner is coming on Gretchen is coping admirably and I decide to give her a hand, so she can leave to see her family.

A while later we are crowded around the dinner table, Carrick is at the head of the table carving the turkey, and Mia and Elliot are chattering away, Christian well he is sitting silently brooding, I wonder sometimes if he only tolerates our company, and what he is hiding, I always get the impression there is more going on than meets the eye, we all believe he is gay, but hasn't had the courage to tell us, well I will be here when he is ready and it won't make the slightest difference Christian is my son and I love him. Or he could be celibate he still has this irrational fear of being touched and it is very possible he just shies away from human contact to avoid it. My poor boy I wonder what that animal is doing now and if he realises what damage he did to a vulnerable child, and if he would even care. I see him peering at his phone, always working even on Christmas day at the dinner table!

_**CHRISTIAN**_  
Dinner time I am sat waiting for my food, it all looks delicious you can always rely on my mother to put on a good spread. My father is carving the turkey in his usual theatrical way, my mother looks lost in thought, I hope she is ok. My mind wanders to Suzannah, my new sub, she is spending Christmas and New Year with her family, and she will be back in Seattle with me after the New Year. She is working out quite well; she is very obedient and loves the beatings as much as I love giving them. I just hope she doesn't go down the same track as most others wanting more than I can and am prepared to give.

I feel my phone vibrate, I glance down, shit its a text from Suzannah I open it and stare at the screen.

_Merry Christmas Sir x_

I quickly delete it and push my phone away.

I am eating my delicious dinner, and quietly watching the activity around me, as usual Mia and Elliot are more than making up for my lack of conversation, I am just watching, I suppose in some way I am enjoying myself, i am with my family, but they are not really my family they are a group of people who have been brought together by circumstances, I am forever grateful to Grace for agreeing to adopt me, but sometimes I can't help but think all their lives would have been much happier if she hadn't been on duty that night when I was bought in. I think back to my earlier years where I was brawling, I put them through hell and they had no idea how to handle me, my mind wanders to Elena, but she did, she knew exactly what I needed and I have her to thank for how my life has turned out and been such a success, Grace my guardian Angel I thought she was an angel that night and she has always been kind and loving even though I have never been able to reciprocate I adore her, she saved me, then there is Elena she is my dark angel she new what I needed on a different level she saved me in a whole different way.  
I am drawn from my thoughts as my father raises a toast, I raise my glass "Merry Christmas" I say out loud, to myself I send a silent mental greeting to my dark angel...Merry Christmas Elena.


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER 12

I am running to Flynns office, I like to do this after a day at the office, it unwinds me. I enter and my mind travels back to when I first met him.

He had been at a charity gala I was sponsoring; he came over to thank me for my donation. There was something about him which I liked, I had just dropped my latest shrink he was a complete asshole. This guy was different to all the others.

He was British for a start, and he wasn't in awe of me, I had always felt my previous shrink had tiptoed around me because he was too afraid to say something in case I didn't like it. I had the feeling this guy would help me.

My instincts had been right, he made me think about things in a different way, see things from different perspectives – he was damn good. I glance up as I arrive at my destination; I enter and am ushered straight through. He doesn't normally see patients this late in the evening, he has a family so its hardly surprising, but I make it worth his while to make an exception for me.

I shake his hand warmly as I sit down and catch my breath.

"Did you have a good run Christian?" he asks as he sits down.

"I did, it unwinds me from the day" I say

He sits and waits, "So what do you want to talk about Christian?" he asks

"Suzannah has gone" I say shortly.

"Why?" he asks

"I told her to" I say

"Why did you think that was a good idea?"

"She wanted more than I am prepared to give"

"I see, it seems that is what ends most of your relationships"

"Well they all start out well but then they go and say that they are in love with me, how can they do that, they can't possibly love me its not right, I'm a fucking sadist for gods sake, I'm not the type of person anyone should fall in love with".

"Perhaps they see more in you than you see in yourself?"

I snort "I very much doubt it, they love my credit card and the advantages of being with me gives them materially"

"Are you still in contact with Jeanette?"

"No, she graduated and is a fully qualified doctor now"

"Let me rephrase that, does she still make contact with you?"

"Yes, she wrote to me to thank me for my financial help when she graduated, she keeps me updated of where she is working and the last I heard she is in a new dom/sub relationship"

"Why do you think she does that?"

"I don't have the faintest idea"

"Maybe she appreciates you as a person, and for what you did for her and wants a friendship to continue even though your sexual relationship is now over"

"She can do better than me as a friend"

"What about any of your other sexual partners are still friends with any of them?"

"No, only Elena, she is still my closest friend and confidant, but I don't suppose you want to hear that do you John"

I watch as he grimaces, he has been negative towards Elena and tried to tell me she was using me, how the hell can he say that when she helped me become the person I am.

"Christian I am not here to judge your relationship with Elena, one day you will see it for what it was for yourself, I don't doubt your belief that she helped you, but it won't be until you fall in love and start a family of your own will you see the reality of your relationship with her".

"Well that's never going to happen is it?!" I snap, I am getting a little pissed now, every time Elena comes up he starts denouncing her, ok so I was a bit young but she knew exactly what I needed and she turned my life around.

We continue to talk, well I talk he probes. Before I know where I am my hour is up, I stand and shake John's hand, as I leave I see Taylor waiting for me with the car, I climb in and head for home.

The final thing he wants me to consider was this stupid new therapy, where I look at where I am at and where I want to be and my way of getting there, I have no idea what made him come up with that shit, I'm exactly where I want to be, I have my family, my health and my company what more do I need?

_**ONE MONTH LATER**_

"Mr Grey I have Katherine Kavanagh on line one AGAIN, she really wants to make an appointment for an interview with you for the University" Andrea's voice comes through the intercom.

Shit, does that fucking girl not know the meaning of the word no, certainly takes after her father in tenaciousness, oh what the hell it will be interesting to see how far the apple has fallen from the tree".

"Ok give her 15 minutes, that's all, make the appointment and let me know when"

"Yes Mr Grey"

Shit I must be getting soft, why the hell did I just agree to that, might prove worthwhile I will contact her father and make it clear I am doing it as a favour to him, that way he will owe me and its always good to have people owing you.

I feel restless, I have felt like this since for a few months, nothing seems to excite me the thrill of the ruthlessness of my business has dulled, I can't concentrate with my training with Claude, he gets the better of me far too often these days, what the hell is wrong with me, I am stuck in a rut, and nothing interests me any more.

"Mr Grey, the appointment with Miss Kavanagh has been made for 2pm on Monday, which is 9th May".

"Good" I say.

Right then back to work.

I return to the matters of the day, but I can't concentrate, I am losing focus so often, its not good, and to top everything off I am also frustrated sexually I am going to have to find myself a new sub, its been a month since Suzannah left, I have resorted to visiting the club but its not the same, the girls there are not the ones who used to be there, they can't take half the stuff I want to give, and they are all blondes and blondes don't do anything for me, well one particular blonde does, but we are past that, way past that. I smile at the thought of me ringing Elena and propositioning her for a scene.

I pull my mind out of the gutter and back to the job. 


	14. AUTHORS NOTE

**Hello and thank you for all the feedback on all my stories. It is always gratifying to know when people are enjoying what I have written.**

**This one in particular seemed to generate a lot of interest and comments especially when I stopped short of the first meeting between Ana and Christian and marked it as complete.**

**It had always been my intention to stop at this point as from that point it had been covered in the Fifty Shades stories in the short piece she wrote at the end of Freed, and I didn't want to rehash something which had already been done. However, the amount of feedback I have received - namely numerous private messages, which have started again since I started my latest story (Three is is the Magic number), some practically begging me to continue with Christian and this has made me reconsider and ****_if_**** there is genuinely enough interest I will carry on with this story. Showing Christian's life from his point of view.**

**Please be aware all the Fifty Shades stories I have written are linked, I have numbered them so they can be read in the correct order, as I have had a few comments saying that I have used things which I have written in previous stories. That is intentional to provide continuity.**

* * *

**I do have other stories on the fan fiction site as well as the Fifty Shades stories, and I would like to take this opportunity to point those out they are my ****_Awakening in the Dark _****fan fiction, which I have based on the Sookie Stackhouse - Southern Vampire series of books, I was a huge fan of these books, and when another fan fiction writer wrote a short story about Sookie becoming a vampire it gave me all sorts of ideas, and after approaching that fan fiction writer who gave me permission to do so I took the seed of her idea of Sookie as a vampire and ran with it.**

* * *

**Fan Fiction I have written.**

**Fifty Shades of Grey - E L James**

My Fifty Shades Series Fan Fiction Series:

01 Fifty Shades - The Lost Baby

02 Fifty Shades - Growing Pains

03 Fifty Shades - Older and Wiser

04 Christian

05 Three is the Magic Number

**Sookie Stackhouse Southern Vampire Series - Charlaine Harris **

**(and also credit to the fantastic fan fiction by All About Eric called "Happy Anniversary")**

My Sookie Stackhouse Series Fan Fiction Series:

Awakening in the Dark

Awakening in the Dark - Part 2 The Chosen One

* * *

* DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE BOOKS OR ORIGINAL CHARACTERS THEY ARE THE PROPERTY OF THE AUTHORS CONCERNED, THE ONLY CHARACTERS I OWN ARE THE ONES WHICH DO NOT APPEAR IN ANY OF THE OFFICIAL BOOKS AND HAVE COME OUT OF MY IMAGINATION


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